By Jenna Remley
I think patriotism is distasteful at best, and in today’s political climate is pretty much inexcusable. This year is the 250th anniversary of America’s independence from Great Britain, and every time I see a reminder of that - in the news, in a beer commercial, in events at my own workplace - I cringe a little bit. Maybe this milestone could inspire some self-reflection instead of an un-nuanced celebration of American might? No? Fine.
On the other hand, while there is much to condemn about America, I have been blessed to visit a wide range of places in this vast country, and I’ve found something to enjoy or admire nearly everywhere I go. I think people’s pride in their local community and culture is valuable. I’ve been known to say that California is the greatest state in the union, and if anyone wants to assert that their own home state is in fact the best, I will not argue. Their own love of it makes it the highest prized to them, and I think there’s something beautiful in that.
There are some elements of each U.S. state that can more objectively rank their value, though. Life expectation, education, and most importantly: their cartographical suitability for being transformed into a cutting board.
Having thought and researched extensively on this subject, I have gathered my findings below, to determine which states can take pride in novelty cutting boards shaped like their borders, and which states should feel ashamed.
The Too-Perfect
We’ll start with Colorado and Wyoming, which are both nearly perfectly rectangular states (or as close as one can get, given the curvature of the earth).
This makes them the ideal shape for a cutting board, but also means that without further embellishment no one can tell a Colorado- or Wyoming-shaped cutting board from a cutting-board-shaped cutting board, defeating the purpose. On the other hand, I suppose this means that if you're a proud Coloradan or Wyomingite, you could purchase almost any rectangular cutting board and proclaim it state-shaped.
Then we have North Dakota, which is almost rectangular – its borders are straight on three sides, with its eastern edge being defined by the Red River. This makes any North Dakota-shaped cutting board look like someone was trying to make a normal cutting board and just did it poorly.
The Acceptable
Next, I'll focus on the states whose cutting boards are decent, but nothing worth celebrating.
Alabama has a weird southern protuberance, but nothing egregious that would get in the way of using it as a cutting surface.
The awkwardly offset corners of Arkansas could cause mild irritation, but generally it would function fine.
Georgia is not great, but not terrible; just sort of lumpy.
Idaho’s northern protrusion at first seems sort of promising as a useful handhold - however, there isn’t a satisfying amount of usable space in the southern section.
Illinois is lumpy, but at least it has a decent amount of space and a couple flat sides.
Kentucky is fine, I guess.
Louisiana has a few too many weird peninsulas to be truly practical, but still offers a good amount of space for serving food.
Maine is lumpy around the edges, but overall not bad.
Minnesota's eastern border is a bit unwieldy, but as a cutting board it would be generally quite usable.
Missouri's shape is sort of lopsided, but overall pretty good.
Nevada gets a little too triangular to be a perfect cutting board, but the clean lines still make it relatively effective.
North Carolina is frankly not great, but I have no scathing criticisms either.
South Carolina is awkwardly shaped but has lots of usable space.
The thing about Tennessee is that it is really very long and skinny. The eastern and western borders are also uneven; the northeast corner juts out much farther than the southeast. Some people (cowards) fudge these details when representing Tennessee visually, making the eastern and western borders look more parallel. Tennessee’s borders make for a slightly awkwardly shaped cutting board, but with its trapezoidal shape it is both distinctive and at least pretty functional.
One thing that Texas is truly great at is branding itself, and part of its brand is its instantly-recognizable shape. While it has numerous weird portions jutting out, it still works surprisingly well as a cutting board despite its lack of rectangularness.
Virginia is very lumpy, and its western section is inconveniently skinny, making it a mediocre cutting board.
Vermont has promise as a cutting board, but being so thin limits its utility.
The top section of West Virginia is so skinny I can almost imagine snapping it right off of a cutting board. While the jagged arms of West Virginia are not conducive to typical kitchen use, at least it has some good usable space in the middle.
The Ideal
The following states are killing it as cutting boards. If you're from one of these states, you now have a new reason to be proud of your home. Their suitability for this purpose is such that I often find it hard to find specific things to praise; if I have little to say for your state, it's simply because its excellence speaks for itself.
Arizona is extremely reasonable for cutting board use.
Connecticut’s little tail is just enough to make the shape recognizable, while the rest of the cutting board remains very functional. It could even be used as a sort of helpful handle.
Indiana is a strong contender. Its shape is distinct enough to give some personality, while not taking away from the actual usability of the cutting board.
Iowa has a fun little lump from the curve of the Mississippi River. This is a thoroughly acceptable cutting board.
Kansas's shape makes it great as a cutting board, if a little anonymous as a state.
Massachusetts's shape is a little goofy, but still usable for cutting and serving – I think it strikes a nice balance.
Mississippi is an excellent shape to be used as a cutting board.
Montana is an ideally-shaped state for being turned into a cutting board. It is largely already the shape a cutting board should be, with one edge of recognizably bumpy border to make it clear that this is, in fact, Montana.
Nebraska makes a great cutting board.
New Mexico was made to be turned into a cutting board. Excellent. No notes.
I didn't really expect Ohio to make a great cutting board, but looking at it - it's actually quite good.
Oregon works great as a cutting board.
Pennsylvania is genuinely a great shape for a cutting board - just right.
South Dakota is cutting board-shaped but with just enough embellishment to tell that it’s South Dakota.
Utah is a land of straight lines and right angles - so, quite effective as a cutting board, if a little generic.
Washington's got some sharp edges that are a little inconvenient for cutting board use, but overall still a strong candidate.
Besides the Door Peninsula, Wisconsin has a pretty decent shape for cutting and serving. Wisconsin also gets bonus points because it is known for its cheese, so a cutting board in its shape is actually thematically relevant.
The Bad
If you have not seen your state listed yet, that unfortunately means that it is not great in this particular metric. If you'd like to close the page with your blind hometown pride intact before reading my critical opinions, now is your chance.
California is my home state and I love it deeply. I even love its shape – distinctive, striking, and curving so far along the Pacific coast that it can encompass a huge variety of different landscapes and communities. However, it should under no circumstances be used as a cutting board.
Delaware’s border gets props from me for having an arc-based boundary. It does not get props for anything that would make it a good cutting board.
Florida is so bad as a cutting board. The panhandle is long enough that it will get in the way no matter what you are trying to do, but skinny enough that it has no practical use.
A cutting board in the shape of Michigan’s lower peninsula is unconventional, but still has some utility. A cutting board in the shape of Michigan’s upper peninsula is considerably less valuable as a kitchen item. A “cutting board” made up of two separate cutting boards in the shape of Michigan’s disconnected peninsulas is just ridiculous.
New Hampshire is so skinny :’(
A New Jersey-shaped cutting board is sort of like two small, usable cutting boards connected awkwardly together.
In my search, I saw a number of “New York” shaped cutting boards that just did not include Long Island. While that design choice does make New York a pretty decent shape for a cutting board, it is also a cop out. Long Island is a part of New York, and it is the thing that makes a New York-shaped cutting board utterly preposterous.
Oklahoma's panhandle juts out SO FAR. It’s so close to useful but the excess of the panhandle is just too much.
The Abominable
The following states are the truly unforgivable cases, the states that no one should ever have thought to turn into cutting boards.
You know what I’ve always wanted in a cutting board? A deep, skinny crevice bisecting my cutting area. A Maryland-shaped cutting board is criminal. What is the point of it? You could get many objects shaped like Maryland if you so deeply love Maryland – why subject a cutting board to total futility like this?
The US’s smallest state makes an abysmal cutting board. Rhode Island's main landmass is actually a pretty good cutting board candidate, but then you must consider the islands. Some manufacturers choose to include them all as a sort of lumpy sidecar, which is both ugly and geographically inaccurate; others do have the islands as separate, tiny cutting boards, which is just stupid.
I am genuinely shocked that an Alaska-shaped cutting board exists. Like, of course it does, but it is SO impractical. It has not one but TWO extremely thin, useless pieces of wood sticking out, ready to poke you, or be accidentally brushed so you knock the whole thing over, scattering fruit or charcuterie offerings to the floor. Storing an object of this shape in a kitchen cabinet or drawer would be so annoying.
Friends, when I realized Hawaii was the next state in the list while researching, I shuddered in fear. Surely, I thought, no one could be so foolish as to create a cutting board out of an archipelago. I hesitantly typed “hawaii cutting board” into the search bar and pressed enter, and at first my fears were assuaged. The top image results were all perfectly reasonable, rectangular cutting boards that simply had engravings of Hawaii on them.
But then, lo and behold, the sickos at Etsy revealed themselves, touting a “Hawaii cutting board” that is in fact five distinct cutting boards, none of them remotely practical besides the Big Island. The absolute absurdity. I cannot believe people have actually committed to making a tangible version of this preposterous idea. This is the worst state cutting board by a mile.
No matter where the state(s) you call home fell on this list, I hope you enjoyed considering this completely objective look at an extremely worthy metric by which to categorize the United States. I would love to hear your thoughts on these critiques, and for the love of God if you own a cutting board shaped like a state please send me a photo of it in use. Happy Independence Day, everyone.